Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
