i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
