Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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