i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
