you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
