He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
