You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
