Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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