Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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