Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
