Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
