Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
