it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
