I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
