BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
