Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We smell like vodka and hangover
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