Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
