Pants 0. Shit 1.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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