please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's the barista slut.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
