12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am one with the molecules
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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