i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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