peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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