I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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