I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
