I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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