Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
