What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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