Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
