got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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