...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
