Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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