I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
