4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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