The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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