so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
