remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
