You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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