There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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