he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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