youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
