I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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