it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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