I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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