She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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