I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
