Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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