new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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