I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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