So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I look excited, but its just a facade.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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