Jerry, you need to find god
he thought i was a dude.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
