last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
