Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
