Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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