I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
