I wish i was in the wii world.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
