I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
