he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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