i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
