Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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